Tuesday, January 17, 2017

#4: Why, Oh, Why No MRI?

Dr. Tumorific,

Why are you refusing to order an MRI every time my yoga instructor thinks I need one?


Dear Nina, 

Clearly, your question was a bit tongue-in-cheek, so I will answer it with the utmost seriousness--but in rhyme. It doesn't scan too well, but dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a poet!

Why, Oh, Why No MRI?

Why can't I get an MRI?
My back, it hurts! I want to cry!
A nasty pain shoots down my thigh!
I think it's cancer! I might die!

Is it worse at night, or when you wake? 
Is it worse with rest? Do both legs ache?
And is the pain on your back bone?
Or to the side when it makes you groan?

Has your leg gone limp and weak?
Your crotch gone numb? Your anus leak?
Is your pee messed up? No? Then don't freak.
Most times, it's gone within 6 weeks.

But can't a surgeon fix my spine?
This one bad disk that's out of line?
I'm in such pain, oh doctor mine.
Just operate and make it fine.

I've seen a thousand painful backs
That have been hacked by surgeon quacks.
And docs with whom I'm  much impressed
Might bat 500 at their best.

Your pain's so bad, it makes you curse,
But surgery might make it worse.
We spend more bucks on aching backs
Than all but diabetes and heart attacks.

We haven't got a treatment yet,
But we might hook you on Percocet.
So unless your story rings a bell,
An MRI has naught to tell.

So though it hurts, it's much more wise
To do some gentle exercise.
And in a month or in a day,
It almost always goes away.

Be well,

Dr. Tumoriffic

PS: Got a question you'd like me to post about? E-mail tom@tumoriffic.org!

Beware of quacks!

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